In The Darkness

It feels like I’m trudging through deep mud, I can see the solid ground I need to get to, I just can’t get my legs to move fast enough, they are held down by too much thick, dark and sludgy earth. I’ve been feeling this for weeks and it has slowly crept it’s way into my bones, where it feels like it may never leave me.

I’ve been here before, many times. I know I can get through it. I know if I push hard enough that I can make it back to me, to the me who’s always positive and can constantly feel the love and happiness that fills her heart. There are so many things that may propel me out of this state. Seeing something on TV that puts into focus just how amazing my life is, it may be a crystal meditation that brings me back into balance or a cuddle and a ‘I love you’ from one of my children. With me it never seems to be a gradual process like the one that brought me here, it seems more like waking up suddenly and finding my equilibrium restored. When I feel my ‘normal’ self and look back on these periods they never seem as bad as what they do when your slap bang in the middle of one. So until then I just keep wading through, trying to smile at everyone and everything, remembering to give thanks even though at times I feel like screaming ‘Is this it? Is this my fucking life?’ And most important of all I show myself more love, I tell myself over and over how loved I am, how worthy I am, how ENOUGH I am, and know in my heart that one day soon I’ll believe it once again.

I think what has set off this episode is that I’ve been so busy doing that I’ve forgotten to just be. I am someone who needs to just ‘be’ often. It helps me to feel connected to my higher self, it helps me to feel more in tune with my intuition. I always feel so much gratitude for the beautiful life I live, but when I’m too busy ‘doing’ I soon start to feel the disconnect.

So much of the doing has meant that I’ve been in contact with people who don’t bring out the best in me. People who tend to bring out the side of me that compares….. ‘My home isn’t as big as hers’ ‘Why doesn’t my hair look as good as hers?’ ‘Why couldn’t I be a stay at home Mum?’ ‘Why does their marriage look so much more passionate than ours?’. On and on these comparisons go until I want to scream and wail at the Universe for giving me so much less than others. It’s all material and it’s all relative, I know that. But still, in my less rational moments I feel the injustice deeply.

Society, in the western world, has a big part to play in this. Our society likes us to feel like this, thrives on the ease with which we compare ourselves because when we compare, and find ourselves and our lives lacking, then we are more likely to consume. If we didn’t feel lacking in comparison to ‘The Joneses’ next door would we really need a new car so much? Would our own not last us a few more years? If that friend we haven’t seen for 20 years wasn’t putting pictures of her glamorous holiday in Bali all over FaceBook wouldn’t our trip to Spain laying by a pool all week be enough?

I know once I’m on that carousel of comparison and not enough, it speeds up so quickly that I find it difficult to get off. I start to live in my head instead of living from my heart. I’m sure the people around me notice the difference. I feel as if I have become someone else, and it isn’t someone I like very much either. 

But I know I have to love her, I have to love her because that is what she’s desperate for. I will show her the love that will light the way so she can find the way out of her darkness.


In The Aftermath

I have come to find that you have to loose part of yourself before you can find happiness.

You have to be willing to let go of hurt.

We hold onto our hurt because no matter the pain that it causes us, sometimes it is all that we have left of someone. A small painful piece keeping us connected to them.

But that’s not how they should be kept alive in our hearts. We need to let go of this pain so that one day we may let the memories of happier times back into our hearts. It can be a long time before we find we can think of the person who hurt us without that big black hole of despair threatening to engulf us, but it will come, like a beautiful cool breeze on a hot day, one day our memories will soothe us, they will become our friend.

But, before this can happen we have to decide that we are going to be happy again. We have to choose happiness.

How do we do that when our heart feels shattered into pieces?

We have to start to look for it in the smallest things, in the everyday. When we make the choice to be happy, and actively seek it out, then more things to fill us with joy will magically appear. It’s as if life rewards us for being strong, for being determined, for letting go.

When we let go of what caused our sorrow we are opening our cracked and bruised heart up to the light, we are telling the Universe we are ready to be healed knowing that the Universe is always responding to our wishes. When we make the conscious decision to move forward, looking for happiness, we are opening our life up, we are saying ‘I’m here, I’m ready for new experiences’. We are opening our hearts to new things that will expand our capacity to love.

When we let go and release the sadness we carry we are left with space inside ourselves and that space must be filled. The law of the Universe shows that there is no empty space, as soon as energy moves something else will take it’s place. So by letting go of what we no longer want to carry and putting out the intention of wanting only good to enter our lives, that is what will come to fill the space. We are giving ourselves our own power back, we will heal and repair, and all the cracks inside of us will become love filled fissures that, although still tender at times, are able to make us smile. We will see that we were never broken, we were always whole, we were just holding onto something  razor sharp with our bare hands.

There is no need to fear letting go, of loosing the wounded part of ourselves, because, as it heals, the love and light that will enter to fill the void will sustain us, build us up again. It will bring us to a more beautiful place, a place where we no longer need the pain to keep the pieces of our hearts together.


If My Heart Had Never Been Broken

What would my world look like if my heart had never been broken? I often wonder this. I try to imagine what and who I would be. I know the person I am today was irrevocably shaped by the pain of having my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. It took years to piece it back together again.

But what if it had stayed whole?

Would I still be the woman who when her husband phones to say he’s going to be late home from work cannot hide the suspicion and distrust in her voice? Would I still be the woman who plays it safe because being different sometimes means it won’t work out, that the differences between you don’t make it exciting, they just make the other person want to run to something more familiar.

Would I have protected my heart so fiercely that no one else would ever get a chance to hold it in their hands again?

What would my life look like if I had first given my heart to someone who would have touched it gently, like it was made of delicate silk? Someone who would have cared and nurtured it and watched it proudly grow bigger under the influence of their love instead of someone who carelessly dropped it and couldn’t be bothered to bring the glue to help me fix it back together.

Would I still have the innocence that I had before? The innocence that believes love really can conquer all, that if you love someone with your whole being, no matter what, then they can’t help but love you back just as much?

I’m not that person. I know now you need more than love. I know now that it’s possible to be happy with pieces of your heart still missing. I know now that sometimes it’s just not meant to be, even if your soul feels lost. I know it’s possible to love fully and deeply while still guarding a tender heart.

I know all of this to be true because I have lived it. I survived when I wanted nothing more than to curl up on the floor an die. I got back up when the pain of heartbreak brought me to my knees. I made the life that I wanted when I really felt like crying and screaming for all that I’d lost.

In doing these things I was slowly fixing my heart, gently picking up the splinters and sharp shards. Sometimes they would cut me, but I would always heal.

There were broken bits that were lost forever but I stopped searching for them, it got too hard and I had to stop trying. If I try to envision what my heart looks like now I think of it as whole and beautiful. In Japan when china got broken they would fix it with liquid gold and that’s what I did. All the cracks and missing shards have been filled with golden love. Now when the light shines on it sparkles with imperfect perfection.

None of us are meant to stay broken, we are made to heal, heal into something bigger and wiser than who we were before. It is something we are all capable of, we just have to be willing to be mended and life will bring us the tools we need.

Don’t stay in your broken place darling, you are made for more, you are made for love.



Knowing Your Purpose

What is your purpose? What is your reason for being here on this earth? Not Sure? oh good, me either.

I’m 37 and I don’t really have a clue what my ‘purpose’ is.

I didn’t at 15 when asked by the careers advisor so I pretended I wanted to be a solicitor, I think I even believed it for a while. I tried A Levels, twice. Then onto hair and beauty college, that wasn’t for me either. I have had numerous reincarnations as a bar worker, a waitress, a retail manager, a brief stint setting up my own business and most recently admin work. None of them have ever felt really ‘me’ but it’s only now that I have come to realise that is okay. My job doesn’t, and shouldn’t, define me. It isn’t who I am, it’s just what I choose to do at the moment to pay some bills so I can lead the life I’ve chosen to right now.

I’ve realised my job doesn’t need to be more ‘me’….. I need to bring more of ‘me’ to my job! I am positive, happy and constantly feeling blessed. I can do good in the world just by being all of these things. I don’t know who on a day to day basis this can effect? Who can I inspire to be more positive. We don’t know what ripples of light we are sending out that help to uplift others.

I have chosen to lead a life filled with joy, happiness, love and laughter and I actively look for these things. I believe that by filling my life up in this way it will directly affect my family and friends lives too.

If I show my children that the most important thing for them to attain is happiness, and they in due course pass that onto their children, isn’t that a wonderful legacy?

If I can bring a smile to the face of a co-worker who’s feeling down, if I can let out a person in traffic with a cheery wave or if I can say “Good morning” to the grumpy looking neighbour who’s to say whether these little acts make a difference to someones day. They might do, they might not but I know one thing, they make a big difference to my day.

These are the things that fill us up from the inside. These little connections to others . These tiny sparks of love sent out to others that on some level say ‘hey, we’re all in this together, we are all the same’

So I’ve decided to make this my career, my reason, my big What I Came Here For! It doesn’t pay great, but the benefits are amazing. A smile on my face the majority of the time, laughing until it hurts, cuddles and moments so filled with love it can bring me to tears.

I might never look back on my life and see high flying, ball breaking boardroom babe, but I reckon when the time does come, I’ll look back proudly knowing I did my job here well.


Positivity Isn’t For The Weak

People have this idea that those with a positive outlook on life are a bit dreamy. They think we walk around with our head in the clouds never facing real life. They believe we can’t deal with reality and so stick our fingers in our ears singing ‘la la la’ when faced with any form of negativity.
This could not be further from the truth. To have optimism in the face of adversity takes bravery, to maintain that everything is working out for the best when there is no clear evidence for it, that takes courage.

It is the easiest thing in the world to think ‘why me’ when something unwanted happens in life. It’s our default setting. We like to think it’s not our fault, that we are at the mercy of this cruel world we live in.

We turn on the news and see a journalist reporting from a war torn country again, destruction all around them. We pull out our bank card to donate for another natural disaster, a child fighting cancer, for people to access clean water, to help mistreated animals…… the list is endless. It’s all there, all the cruelty and indiscriminate brutality of the world we live in and that makes it hard to look around and know that everything is going to be ok.

To believe it, all the time, that takes strength.

There is no one who sails through life with no problems. We are all here to learn lessons for our souls growth, and most of the lessons are not easy ones. But we are also here to experience love and happiness. Learning to focus on that in the face of all the sadness and negativity that surrounds us is a lesson in itself.

It takes time and effort to cultivate a positive mindset. You have to put in the hard work. In short, you have to be dedicated. It seems like a no-brainer, if you want to be happy (and doesn’t everyone?) change your thoughts to ones that support you, but you’d be surprised how many people simply don’t want to put in the work. It’s hard to change habits they have had all their lives. They know it will take months, years even to change their destructive thought patterns and they hope they won’t need to bother, a quicker fix will come along soon, their soul mate will appear, they’ll get that promotion and pay rise they’ve been chasing, or maybe when that long awaited lottery win comes, that’s when they will be happy. People want happiness, but they want it the easy way.

I’m here to say there is no easy way. Even if they meet the person of their dreams, their own thoughts would eventually return to what they have always known, negativity. So instead of just starting the work on creating positive thought processes, they wait, year after year for something outside of them to come along bringing happiness with it.

For those who are willing to do the work though, the rewards are life changing. It’s not something that will ever be completed, it’s lifelong work. You don’t learn it and that’s it. It’s constant and daily work but it does start to become second nature after a while, so much so that you stop noticing your even doing it. You are doing it naturally and you notice how much happier your days are, your looking at the world around you with new eyes, you notice all the daily blessings you receive, all the love your surrounded by and all the happiness that is yours to treasure.

At some point though something will happen, it could be a personal financial crisis, a family member who becomes ill or you face some major life changes that were definitely not wanted. It is in these moments, when it takes everything in you to try to find something good in this situation, when you would rather curl in a ball and rage at the unfairness of life, it’s then that you get to see how far you have come. If you are able to find the good in a situation where there looks to be none, that is when you realise your own strength and power.

Positivity isn’t for the weak, the fragile and the frail. Positivity is for the strong, the resilient and the formidable among us, and don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.



Happiness Is A Choice

In early 2007 I made a decision. At the time it didn’t feel huge, in fact I wasn’t even sure what I decided to do was achievable, I just felt like something had to change in my life.

The decision I made?

To be happy.

In the preceding 5 years I had been through some big life changes. I had left a relationship with someone I had thought I’d be with forever. I had met someone new and within weeks we had moved in together and it was a really happy time. I became pregnant with our first child, we bought our first home and within 18 months I was pregnant again.

It was everything I’d dreamed of and yet I felt such hollowness inside. I felt so empty and I just didn’t know what to do to fill myself up. I was struggling with life.

I was unhappy and I knew I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. I didn’t know at the time where it came from (I know now my higher self was guiding me) I just had an inner knowing that happiness was something I could create from somewhere inside me. It wasn’t something that needed material things for it to become manifest. It was all there inside me, I just had to find it again.

I spent the months that followed literally telling myself over and over in my head ‘I am happy, I am so happy. Look at all the wonderful things I have in my life.’ I developed a gratitude for every part of my life. I had a partner who adored me, 2 happy, healthy and beautiful children. I had a Mum who looked after them while I worked. I had a job that paid well while working only 3 days a week. My fridge was always full and I knew all my bills would get paid every month. I had a car that was relatively new and a lovely cosy home.

So while I concentrated on these positives I’ll tell you exactly what I ignored. (I know every one of these is a first world problem, but they were important to me, I’m a big believer in us all being here to live our BEST life, whatever that looks like to you)

While I didn’t have to worry about the bills, there wasn’t tons of money left for nights out with either my partner or friends. This was at a time when none of my friends had children and all went out a lot. I couldn’t do that and I felt envious of their careers and their lifestyles. I hated my car, it was basic and not what I wanted to be driving around in. I didn’t enjoy my job, I hated putting on the uniform ( I love clothes), I hated that I couldn’t have my nails done and I hated working 10 hour days. The lovely home, it was too small. We needed more space, more room. I craved a bedroom each for my children, ones I could decorate pink and blue, not a shared room that had to stay neutral.

But, as I said, first world problems and so I counted my blessings day after day after day.

That happiness that I knew was hidden inside me slowly started to reveal itself. It was like a lightbulb that slowly got brighter and brighter. The life that opened up in front of me, well, it’s amazing and I say that with a genuine feeling of awe. Looking back on the last 10 years fills my heart with thankfulness.

This isn’t a fairy tale, we didn’t win the lottery and it has not always been a bed of roses. There was a period of time where I threw up after every meal because I so badly wanted to be thin, due to this I lost months of my life to repeated bouts tonsillitis, until they were taken out and I knew I couldn’t keep punishing my body like that. I drank wine most nights because sometimes that’s what you need to do to numb everything away.

But despite this, as I focused on the positives, life just brought me more and more to be thankful for. The Law of Attraction is a very real thing.

The last 10 years have brought me wonderful nights out and holidays, sometimes gifted to us when we wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise, pay rises, then pay decreases when I took redundancy – from the job I hated – and pay rises again. We managed to buy a bigger home very early on in this ‘gratitude’ journey when it really didn’t seem possible, but miracles are everywhere. We worked hard and created a home exactly like the image I had in my head. We got married, it was one of the most magical days of my life, I smiled with joy the whole day. We have taken our children to America, Spain and Greece among other places numerous times. The car I hated, upgraded to one I love 3 times over. And I have a brilliant job where I can wear my clothes, and have beautifully painted nails every day, and basically just get to be me!

Somewhere in the middle of all these experiences I realised I wasn’t empty anymore. I was full to bursting with love, excitement and happiness.

I’m not trying to say ‘look at me and my amazing life’ I believe with all my heart none of this would have happened if I hadn’t made that decision to be happy and started to give thanks for all the blessings I already had. Knowing what I know now I can see that I made an intention, and in making the intention and doing the work the Universe started to listen to me. It knew I was serious about what I wanted and so it helped me every step of the way.

My life isn’t perfect, whose is, but it is happy and blissful. I still want things, there’s definitely a move to a bigger house in my future and a trip to Hawaii. I also wouldn’t say no to a Range Rover! I know that all these things are possible but they aren’t where my focus is.

My focus remains on giving thanks every day for my healthy and happy family and this beautiful life I have co-created with the Universe.

So if you’re feeling lost, empty or that the life you’re living doesn’t seem quite as good as the one you know is possible, just put the intention out there that you are going to be happy. Give thanks for all the little things in your life and I promise you, bit by bit your life will change into one that lights you up and fills your heart up. Happiness is there my love, it is just waiting for you to re-claim it.


Facing our Fears

It’s time to stop living with our heads buried in the sand, it’s time to face up to the reality of the situation. It is time to bear witness to the paths that have led us here and caused us to manifest our current reality.

The more we hide and reuse to deal with with our problems the bigger they get. It’s a contradiction, we think we are making them smaller by not giving our attention to them, that’s what the law of attraction has taught us. We are told what you give your attention to grows, so logically we think if we give a problem no attention it should magically disappear, but tell me, has that been working out for you? No, me either.

The truth is, although we think we aren’t giving any attention to it, we are.

If it has shown up in our lives we know about it, it is there. If we turn away from it and put our focus elsewhere we are just giving it room to grow. And grow it will. In fact it usually becomes so big and distorted that it no becomes a vicious circle.

We now believe the problem is too big to fix and so panic sets in. Once the panic has worked it’s way through your body it’s practically impossible for you to think straight. All those chemical reactions going on in your body making you feel sick, nervous and weak with worry. You think now with certainty that the problem is so huge you don’t have a hope in hell of fixing it, so it’s back to square one and hoping and praying that ignoring it will work.

We have got to end this cycle. We have to learn how to deal with the things that show up for us when they arrive. We can only ever slay the beast by coming face to face with it.

Our nature is fight or flight when faced with something we don’t like, and all to often we use flight and hope that we can outrun whatever is chasing us. I have come to realise that we have to stand firm and face whatever is showing up in our world. They are here to be fixed, to be healed.

The funniest part about this is when we don’t give our difficulties room to grow we can deal with them much more easily. They often aren’t as big as our brains tell us they are. By facing them and setting the intention to fix things our brains automatically start to look for solutions. We take our attention away from fear and what may happen and we look for ways to make things better.

Instantly we have become proactive instead of reactive. The Universe will always guide us and bring us the help we need, but only when we are looking for it.

Whatever issue you are facing is something that wants to be healed. The Universe will never just take a problem away while your busy looking the other way but it will always bring you the tools to help you solve the problem if you are brave enough to want to conquer them.

This is true on so many levels. Whether you have financial troubles, problems in your marriage, work issues, facing up to them and making a plan for how you intend to work towards a solution will ease your mind and your body.

Although I’ve been talking about this on an individual level, I feel it also resonates on a national and global level too.

I live in a town in Manchester, England and I often take my young daughter to watch artists and bands at the arena. I didn’t take her on that awful Monday night to watch Ariana Grande, by some grace of God she never asked to go. But many other children did.

My heart has broken for all those innocent lives gone in a second. Those families now torn apart by grief and loss. The Mums and Dads who will never get to kiss their children goodnight again and the children who won’t ever feel their parents arms pull them in for a cuddle at bedtime again.

It isn’t just happening here either, it is happening all over the world and we can’t keep looking the other way anymore.

We can’t read an article about Syrian children being blown apart by a bus bomb or people killed by a suicide bomber at a shrine in Pakistan and then click onto the next article about some reality TV star.

We have to face the truth of what’s going on in this world. We have to care more. We have to be moved enough to want to make it better.

I don’t know the answer, but I know it starts with us. The more we face our own suffering head on, the more equipped we become to take a look at the bigger problems and find the strength to look for answers so that we can start to heal our world.